My Name is Frickin' Awesome

It's raining.

This morning, I sat down in my Creative Writing class. I was fashionably early today, although I am usually early for that class. I wasn't paying attention to the clock today, though, and the previous class was let out early, so I sidled into the lecture hall and took my normal seat (front row, third from the right in the middle section). As I listened to the heavily-accented biology professor scold one his students for not completing the reading assignments, a neighbor two seats away from me turns and says, "Grey screen animation never really caught on." (This is the same guy who turned to me the first day of Psychology class when the lights went out and said, "Dark places for dark business.")

I turned to him? "What?"

"Grey screen animation never really caught on." Again, I repeated, "What?..." However, this time I meant, "What?" as in, "What are you trying to say?" "Grey screen animation never really caught on." "What are you saying?" "Grey screen animation never really caught on." "What ar..." "Grey screen..."

"Stop! I know what you're saying. I don't know WHAT you're saying," I interrupted, "You've said that five times, now tell me WHAT you're trying to say."

"Nothing, it was a bad joke." I shrugged and looked back toward the line of the students and the professor, wondering what they all wanted to talk to him about. I thought for a moment and turned back toward my neighbor.

"Your name is Jason right?" I had convinced myself the previous lecture that his name was Dan or Mark or something like that.

"Yes. Your name was?..." I answered, "Heaven." Pretty straightforward, although I usually have to repeat it once until people believe me. He looked at me inquisitively. "What?"

"Heaven." Once again, I said my name. His face didn't change however. "My name is Heaven." This time, as I am accustomed to doing, I pointed the chewed cap of my pen toward the ceiling. He looked at me stupidly, his face scrunching up a little bit, eyebrows going up. "You're talking to an Atheist, so..."

"So?"

"You're talking to an Atheist?"

SO WHAT IF YOU'RE AN ATHEIST?! Seriously. Just because you don't believe that people are going to Heaven after you die doesn't mean that you can refuse to acknowledge my name, especially when you ask. I didn't really say this to him, but it was running through my mind. Instead, I said something about my mom being an atheist and how I still had a biblical name, although it was not from the Bible itself.

"Your mom has a twisted sense of irony, no offense." As we all know, no offense is just the way to say, "I'm going to be rude now, but I'm hoping you won't take it the wrong way." Well, anytime anyone says ANYTHING about my mom, or any of my family, I get heated up. First he refuses to say my name because "he's an atheist" (oooh i don't believe in God ooooh what now!) but now he's saying stuff about my mother. I quickly shot back,

"You don't know my mother so you better not say ONE MORE THING about her." He opened his mouth to say, "I was just saying your mom has a twisted sense of irony." At this point I said, once again, "You don't know ANYTHING about her, so I would suggest we stop talking altogether now." I nodded my head vigorously with finality and turned my attention back toward the book in my lap. And that was that.

Seriously, though, what kind of a JERKFACE can ask my name and then NOT SAY IT just because it's got to do with my name, and then go and start talking nonsense about my mother.

My name is frickin' awesome. I used to think it sort of sucked because everyday I get a new joke about my name, everytime I meet someone new I get a song sung to me. But you know, it's not so bad anymore. I let it slide the first time and just point out the fact that nearly nineteen years of jokes is enough and it's starting to get annoying (especially the one where they say "You have a first name for a last name and a last name for a first time." No, I really think I have a first name for a first name and a last name for a last name.)

Anyway, that's enough of my ridiculous banter. My name's awesomesauce. Ye-uh!