There is Nothing After This

I've been in a bad mood all week. I don't know what's going on, but it seriously needs to stop. I'm not digging the bad mood thing, especially since I'm typically a pretty cheery person these days, and now that all of my friends have been asking what's up with me, I'm even more determined to get out of this bad mood.

I guess, maybe, I feel lazy. I dropped my Politics of the Underdeveloped World class. I had 18 units and now I have 13. All of my classes were writing based, and I felt like it was way too much. I still have 8 AP units to make up for it. If I disperse all of those, it's like I took 17 units each quarter this year. That's still 51 units by the end of the quarter, which still has me into sophomore standing by 6 units, and I'm definitely going to make up for it next year.

I also haven't been going to the gym. Going to the gym alone really sucks,, but I'm going to have to start doing it again because I feel gross and there is no way that I'll ever be able to convince someone to go with me everytime. I'm going to do Cardio Kickboxing on Monday and Wednesday with Hali (and possibly Chanel?) and Ab Attack on Thursdays. Zumba is also on Tuesday and Thursday, but it starts at 6:30 and that's when I get out of class, but I want to try it out. I haven't gone running in a few days either, which makes me feel bad. I really want to run that course with Aunt Jessica and Indiana this summer. I guess that should be motivation enough to get up and do it. I will. I told myself I was going to run because I love running, and I do! I'm just not motivated at all right now.

Next week is Coachella, and I honestly don't think I'm going. That's fine, but I was really looking forward to it. There are so many bands that I absolutely LOVE there this year, and it's so close. I guess I shouldn't be disappointed. It was never a fershure thing anyway, and now I'm just complaining. On top of this, Good Luck Thrift Store Outfit is playing Strawberry, THE WEEK BEFORE FINALS WEEK. Strawberry last year was one of the best times of my life, and I can't believe I'm going to miss it this year.

I'm missing too much. I hate this place. I don't really, but I'm a Family based person. I'm missing shows and weddings and babies and just hanging out with everyone on the Tea Farm. I miss Pancho and Aaron and Pops and my Moma (and it's going to be even longer until I see her).

I'm homesick, and it's only the beginning of the third week of school. I guess I'm going home for Mary's wedding on the 24th, but that's also a predicament: I don't want Aaron to have to drive down here and pick me up after work, drive back up there, go to Mary's wedding the next day, then drive me back down and himself back up on Sunday. That's about 1600 miles in two days, which is bad on the car and a total waste of time. I've been trying to find cheap plane tickets, but I am having no success in finding one that is cheap enough. I also have no clue of how to search for plane tickets and I haven't been on the phone with Aaron long enough to actually talk about it. It always seems like I'm busy or he's busy or I'm busy or he's busy, back and forth the whole week.

After that, I only have six or seven weeks of first year of college left. It's going to fast. It's like, I wake up, I go to class, I see what everyone's up to, I do my homework, on some days I go to the gym, I do more homework, then I do my own thing. I mean, I love it here. I absolutely love all of my friends and I'm going to miss all of them so much over the summer; it's good almost all of us are from Norcal, so I know that we're probably going to hang out at least once over the summer. I didn't think I would get so close to people. At the beginning of the year, I was so determined to get the hell out of Riverside, and now I would never think of leaving. I love it here. Now that I've been here and I have a solid group of friendies to do anything with, it's great. Sure, there's not that much to do in Riverside and we usually have to make up our own thing to do, but that's what's fun. It makes us more personal.

At the same time, though, I feel like I'm losing touch with all my friends at Home, which CANNOT HAPPEN. I miss them all so much, but our relationships with one another definitely aren't the same. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I feel like I'm going to have to work pretty damn hard this summer to get to KNOW all of them again, which shouldn't have to happen. Less so with the Tonks to my Remus, which is weird, but most definitely with Sarah. I have barely talked to Sarah all year, which I think about a lot. I've seen and talked to Bethany so much more than I've communicated with Sarah, and she's my oldest friend; she's been like my sister for a long time, and suddenly... I don't know. I know it's going to fine when we both get Home and start hanging out again, but I miss her now. I've missed her for most of the year, and I don't know why we don't talk more. We're both busy people, doing our own thing.

I guess I'm just being a pessimist. I need to get it together. The sun's out! I've been barefoot for two days! My writing is getting better all the time! I have an apartment next year! I have the best roomie EVER next year! I'm getting two hamsters this summer, and Chuck, Hiroko, Mia, and Ana are coming to visit for a month!

It's time for me to get my head straight and my act together. It's time for me to play my guitar in the room even though it's a violation of policy and time for me to go to the gym this afternoon and time for me to eavesdrop on some conversations so that I can write an awesome Creative Writing piece for tomorrow. It's time for me to call Aaron and Moma and my Grandpa. It's time for me to write Papou a letter and Bon Farley a postcard. It's time for me to be myself again.

This whole bummed-out Heaven thing is not going down anymore.