In this photograph, you are a prince in commoner’s clothing. I have always suspected that was the truth, but you would never admit it, even if I were to ask politely. You hold your head high, chin tilted toward the lens, as if to say, “I do not fear today nor tomorrow, and neither should you.” Your yellow shirt, dyed by the dandelions your father used to rub under your chin, absorbs the sun’s rays ; for a moment, it seems as though they are actually pouring from your heart and emanating from your skin, engulfing the yellow in purity.
That was the day your father asked you, “Do you love her, son?” and you responded, “I love the idea of her.”
Golden thread is spun into your black jacket, braids of fountains and flowers. Your jacket reminds me of the courtship of the phoenix—they are the true hidden Mahdi—and the potential that this burning love could last until the end of days. These embroideries are memories of when you would sail your ships, proclaiming a life of piracy. Whoever said a pirate had to be a scoundrel? The only one I’ve ever met is a gentleman and a star-gazer, a puppeteer and a philosopher. You teach children weather conjuring incantations in their native tongue, and someday you will whisper these same spells to summon a wind that will take you to the middle of the Mediterranean. I think once you get there, you’ll stay.
An intricately woven sash is tied around your waist, a carefully cultivated botanical garden. Here grow tulips and butterfly bushes, plumeria and splashes of lavender. I think you wear it to keep your secret garden locked within; one time you coughed and I swear I saw a monarch flutter from your lips. You played it off like nothing happened, but I know of the beauty you conceal.
“My only real motivation in life is that everything has the potential to be beautiful.”
This garb, you said, belongs to your father from his village at Home in Turkiye. When you stay too long in California, you start to feel trapped. This is home, but it’s not Home. Home is where your spirit runs free, where you can hear the sound of your Mother’s breathing. Here, her voice is raspy from a recent asthma attack. At Home her voice is soft, singing, rejoicing, “Holy, holy to the Lord.”
The Earth is your Mother, the Sky is your Father. That is how I know you are a prince.
Your surroundings are really unimportant. Vines grow up a trellis and a fern stretches its fingers toward the wooden patio planks beneath your feet. The misty blue sky is imprisoned behind stretching branches of red and green leaves. I would usually say that this composition isn’t all that great, but it’s your posture and the angle of your chin and your hands tucked behind your back and the slight curve of your eyebrows and the calm written on your lips that really get to me. They are enough to make me break down and cry for “what is not but could be if.”
All I can really think to ask these days are trivial questions. Why? I feel as though I’ve wasted too much time and I’m never going to be given the opportunity to ask you what really matters. Why couldn’t I have just called your name that afternoon I saw you, if only to just smile and wave before continuing on my way down the hummingbird trail. If only: two of the most bitter words on my tongue—they break my heart a little bit every time I sigh, every time I get lost in the weaving of my shoelaces or the cracks in the sidewalk.
How do I stop loving this stranger, this prince of supernovas and shadowpuppets? Will there ever be a starry night when I am the manifestation of the cotton princess? Will I ever be the one to hold you back when you try to walk into the deep to hear the talk of the sea? The girl that runs beside you in a pack of wolves? It would suffice, even, to gaze into your coffee eyes and find my home away from Home—you—my prince of dreams, my prince of possibility, my prince of…
My prince of…
I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You’re just perfect and your mother is lucky to have you. There is no chance that I ever will.
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I guess that's all for now. I'll add more as the weekend goes by
